Encourage Your Kids—Don't Exasperate Them

Ah, the joys of parenthood—and the challenges! Charles Wadsworth observed, "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he is wrong."

Parenthood is hard because each child—even the most compliant one—has a will of his own. It's hard because through the media, at their schools, and in their neighborhoods, children are exposed to a wide range of influences outside our control. And parenthood is hard because children get themselves into complicated situations.

One day Candy and I noticed that things had gotten really quiet in the bedroom where our young children were playing. As every parent knows, a little quiet is good, but too much quiet means trouble is brewing. They might be drawing a crayon mural on the wall, or trying to see if those blunt, round-bladed scissors can actually give someone a haircut. On this occasion we opened the bedroom door to discover that our son had covered his little sister Michelle from head to foot with petroleum jelly. (Even after a thorough bath, she was slippery the rest of the day.)

Not to be outdone, a few days later Michelle covered herself and her friend Laura from head to toe with baby powder, which isn't easy to clean up either.

One time we discovered that someone had done chin-ups on the towel rack in the bathroom and yanked the rack right out of the wall. To this day, no one in our family admits doing it.

Three Basic Principles

Parenthood boils down to three basic principles: start them straight, love them whole, and give them grace.

Start them straight. A bricklayer is especially careful how he lays the first row of bricks. If the first row is straight and level, the rest of the bricks will go up easier. In the same way, the first five years of a child's life are an indispensable time to teach him right from wrong. They are a crucial time to prepare her to read and introduce her to the love of God.

Love them whole. Who can measure the impact of a mother's good night kiss or a dad's proud hug? During their formative years, children need their parents to "love them whole"—encourage and guide them in every facet of life. When Jesus was a boy he "grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52)—four key areas of childhood development. Our children need to be nurtured in wisdom (godly common sense). They need to grow in stature by receiving proper nutrition, engaging in work and exercise, and learning a healthy attitude about their bodies. They need to increase in favor with God through exposure to Scripture, prayer, and the fellowship of the church. And they need to develop their social skills so they will "grow in favor with men."

Parenthood is hard, but not impossible.

Give them grace. How blessed are the children who experience God's unmerited favor in their homes! Ephesians 6:4 tells fathers, "Do not exasperate your children." Don't discourage, dishearten, provoke, or frustrate them. Graceless parenting makes children angry and resentful.

If you want to exasperate your kids:

• Don't take time for them. (Communicate that your work and hobbies are far more important than they are.) - Overprotect them. (Never let them test their wings and learn from their own mistakes.) - Don't discipline them. (Leave them to fend for themselves without moral guidance and accountability.) - Give them rules without reasons. (Don't bother to explain why.) - Don't listen to them. (Tell them your opinions, but pay no attention to theirs.) - Make approval conditional upon achievement. (Make them feel that you value them only when they're accomplishing something instead of simply for being who they are.) - Set an inconsistent example. (Expect them to do what you say, but not what you do.)

The positive alternative? "Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). Give them grace. Love them in spite of their mistakes. Stay faithful and steady when they rebel against your authority and they struggle to develop a faith of their own.

God will be with you—even when you're trying to clean up that pesky petroleum jelly.