How 50 Feels

For a long time, I have known I'd write this article. Born in 1954, I knew that sometime in 2004 I would write my reflections upon reaching my fiftieth birthday.

As the big day approached, I braced myself for the possibility of a surprise party. (My wife had a coy expression on her face.) I envisioned black balloons tied to the lamp post in front of our house. I thought of snappy comebacks to use when my friends teased me about growing old.

I even found a Bible verse that comes in handy when yanked out of context. It's Numbers 8:25, which says, "But at the age of fifty, they must retire from their regular service and work no longer."

When I woke up on the big day, though, and prepared to go to work as usual, I didn't find my wrinkles suddenly deeper, my hair significantly grayer, or my vision substantially duller than they were the day before. I've endured my share of the blues, but not on this day. Feeling light-hearted, I ate lunch outdoors by myself at a hotdog and ice cream stand. My coworkers jovially interrupted the afternoon with a birthday cake decorated with a funny photo taken when I was eight years old.

Recognizing that she herself eventually will hit the half-century mark and I could retaliate for any excessive humiliation she might inflict on me, my wife decided to be remarkably kind. Instead of throwing a surprise party, she invited some longtime friends and family to join us for dinner—complete with my favorite dessert, raspberry cobbler. Instead of bringing gifts, the guests brought funny stories to tell and comical birthday cards. (My favorite card shows an old man driving his car for a day at the beach. It says, "You're not getting older . . . you're getting dangerous.")

Somehow, hope shines brighter than ever.

Some of my younger friends have asked, "So how does it feel to be 50?" I can only speak for myself, but I'll tell you how I feel at 50.

I feel less desire to prove myself and more desire to be myself.

I am eager to focus my time and energy on things that really matter. I want to be faithful to my Lord, true to my convictions, loyal to my wife, and fruitful in my work. I want to finish well.

I feel a keen desire to keep growing as a Christian. I want to shed the weight of immaturity that still slows my spiritual stride after all these years, and press on toward the high calling of God.

I feel a sense of obligation toward both the generation ahead of me and the generation coming after me. As honored elders pass down the mantle of leadership, I consider it my duty to carry on their heritage of faith and hard work. I also have a responsibility toward members of the younger generation who are following in my footsteps and looking for opportunities to spread their wings. I don't want to let them down.

When measured by earth-time, more years lie behind me than the years that lie ahead. Somehow, though, my hope in Christ shines brighter than ever. J. Vernon McGee spoke of "grace in three time zones"—past, present, and future. I've already experienced more of God's good gifts than I deserve in the first two time zones, and there's still a lot of grace ahead.

How do I feel at 50? Grateful, mainly. Determined, certainly. And curious to see what the Lord has in store for the rest of my days.

Hopefully they will include plenty of raspberry cobbler.