How to Exasperate Your Children

John Wilmot, the Earl of Rochester, once commented, "Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories." While there's no magic formula for parenting, the Bible offers this perfectly balanced advice: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord. . . . Fathers, do not exasperate your children" (Ephesians 6:1, 4).

What exasperates children? Here are six common parental mistakes.

No rules. When my Australian friends tried to teach me how to play cricket, I felt exasperated because I didn't understand the rules. They don't pitch the ball to you, they bowl it. You don't run to bases; they call them wickets. I was a confused and crotchety cricketer! Later, though, we played American-style football. This time I knew the rules and many of my companions didn't. I'm an average athlete, but they considered me an expert in football. They even wanted me to play quarterback! It made all the difference when I knew the rules.

God created this world to operate according to certain principles of right and wrong. These moral boundaries are like guardrails along the edge of a dangerous highway. If you want to exasperate your children, give them no rules. Give them no guidance about honesty, kindness, honor, and respect for authority.

No reasons. Rules alone aren't enough. God's commands "are not burdensome" (1 John 5:3); they are life-giving and liberating. If we want our kids to adopt our values as their own, and if we want to steer them away from sexual sin, alcohol abuse, and other dangers, we need to help them understand the reasons behind the rules.

No relationship. All of us long to belong. When parents are too busy to offer a needed hug, listen to an earnest question, or attend an important school event, we shouldn't be surprised when children resist our authority. First Kings 16:34 tells about a fellow named Hiel who rebuilt the foundations of Jericho "at the cost of his firstborn son Abiram, and he set up its gates at the cost of his youngest son Segub." Similar words could be written today. "He became vice president of his company at the cost of his son." "She has a beautiful house, but no relationship with her daughter." Worldly successes cost too high a price if we attain them at the expense of our children.

No responsibility. As our children grow, they need to make decisions on their own. To exasperate a child, undermine his self-confidence by giving him no responsibility. Don't make him do household chores, take care of a pet, get a job, decide how to spend his earnings, or determine what classes he will take. And take his side when anyone else tries to hold him accountable for his actions, like teachers, coaches, principals, or police officers.

No rest. Some families are all work and no fun. Exhausted parents are transporting children to endless activities, while depriving them of simple joys like tossing a football in the backyard and reading stories by flashlight while snuggling under a blanket. Our homes should be places of joy, humor, and refreshment.

No reality. Ogden Nash wrote, "Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think their children are naive." Kids aren't impressed with parents who talk about honesty while cheating the company they work for. They see the hypocrisy of parents who drop their kids off for Sunday school but pay no attention to God themselves.

Children are a precious gift. That's why we need to "take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master" (Ephesians 6:4, The Message).