Life Sentences
Dave Faust
How can you summarize a life in a sentence or two? Google "Funny Tombstones" and you'll discover that some grave markers do it humorously.
On a tombstone in England: "Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange."
On the grave of another attorney: "The defense rests."
In Arizona: "Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a .44. No Les no more."
On a dentist's tombstone: "Filling his last cavity."
In Massachusetts: "Under the sod and under the trees lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God."
For a coal-miner: "Gone underground for good."
In London: "Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann."
A thoughtful epitaph for a watchmaker: "Here lies in horizontal position the outside case of Dear George Routleight, watchmaker, whose abilities in that line were an honor to his profession—integrity was the mainspring, and prudence the regulator of all the actions of his life . . . . His hand never stopped until he had relieved distress. . . . He had the art of disposing his time so well that the hours glided away in one continued round of pleasure and delight, till an unlucky moment put a period to his existence. He departed this life November 14, 1802, aged fifty-seven. Wound up in hopes of being taken in hand by his Maker and being thoroughly cleansed, repaired, and set agoing in the world to come."
And one of my favorites: "Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."
Some epitaphs were not meant to be funny, but they are strangely amusing if you think about them. For example:
"Here lies the body of John Round. Lost at sea and never found."
"Here lies Barnard Lightfoot who was accidentally killed in the 45th year of his age. This monument was erected by his grateful family."
"Sacred to the memory of Major James Brush Royal Artillery, who was killed by the accidental discharge of a pistol by his orderly, 14th April 1831. Well done, good and faithful servant."
In several instances the Bible summarizes a man's lifetime in a few short words:
"Enoch walked with God" (Genesis 5:24).
"Omri did evil in the eyes of the Lord and sinned more than all those before him" (1 Kings 16:25).
"Hananiah . . . was a man of integrity and feared God more than most men do" (Nehemiah 7:2).
"Job . . . was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil" (Job 1:1).
"Daniel was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent" (Daniel 6:4).
"Joseph . . . was a righteous man" (Matthew 1:19).
"Tychicus . . . is a dear brother, a faithful minister and fellow servant in the Lord" (Colossians 4:7).
"Balaam . . . loved the wages of wickedness" (2 Peter 2:15).
"Demetrius is well spoken of by everyone—and even by the truth itself" (3 John 12).
All of us are serving a life sentence and we get to write the words. When it's time for you to die, what will your life sentence say?
This column first appeared in The Lookout on Jun 17, 2007.
Life-Changing Words
One of Jesus' most startling teachings appears in Matthew 12:36, where the Lord says, "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken."
Life Stories
Do you recall the story about the two men who built nearly identical houses in the same Chicago suburb? The builders used the same kind of lumber and vinyl siding, and the same style of bricks on the chimneys. There was only one difference. To save money, one of the homeowners cut corners on the foundation and built it as cheaply as possible. But ever since last winter's heavy storms pounded the Chicago area, the house with an inferior foundation has developed serious cracks and leaks. The problems are so serious, the house may have to be torn down and rebuilt.