Now That My Kids Are Grown

To learn about fatherhood, you can read the Bible and other good books, and you can listen to advice from wise friends. But the academy where most of us learn about parenthood is the school of hard knocks—trial and error! My wife and I have four great kids (including our son-in-law), the youngest of whom turns 19 this summer. I was mildly surprised to discover that I didn't quit being a dad when they graduated from high school; the role is just different now. On Father's Day I thank the Lord for each of my children, and I think about some things I wish I had done better. Here are 10 lessons I've learned along the way.

1. You don't have to be perfect, but you need to be there. Even grown children find security in the knowledge that Mom and Dad are pulling for them and praying for them.
2. Few treasures compare with the memories built when children are young. Over the years my wife filled photo albums with pictures, but what photo could capture the smell of baby shampoo on my toddlers' hair as I kiss them goodnight? Or the sound of my girls practicing the piano, and my son's contagious laughter? Or the grip of a three-year-old's trusting hand as we walked to the park together? Or the flavor of burned pancakes on Saturday mornings? (Soaked in Aunt Jemima® syrup, they tasted just fine.) Or the sight of my daughter's glowing smile on her wedding day?
3. Choose your battles wisely. Is a messy room a big deal? In the big picture, probably not. Coming home at 3:00 a.m.? That's another story.
4. Show affection through words and touch. Tell your children you love them and you're proud of them. Hug them. How many girls slip into promiscuity and bad marriages because their dads are emotionally distant? How many grown men stumble through life searching for their dads' approval?
5. There are lots of things kids don't need from their dad. They don't need you to make their decisions or bail them out of every predicament. They don't need you to analyze them or second-guess them, and they don't need you whining to them about your own problems.
6. Be honest. Phoniness undermines credibility; authenticity enhances it. Without "preaching," talk frankly about music, sex, alcohol, peer pressure, and other issues. Expect some conflict as your children develop independence and personal faith. Even when they don't agree, they need to know your values and convictions—the things you feel strongly about. Listen to their point of view. Balance truth with love, firmness with grace. Discipline brings big benefits in the long run (Hebrews 12:5-11). Your most powerful sermon will be the way your family sees God at work in your life.
7. "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22). Make your home a safe and joyful place kids want to be, not a place they want to escape. Happy are the children who picture their dad with a smile and a hearty laugh, not a disapproving scowl.
8. Each child is unique. They aren't clones of you, or of each other. Encourage them to be who God made them to be.
9. When it's time, let go. Children are like arrows (Psalm 127:4). Once you aim an arrow and let it fly, you have no control over it anymore. "Give them roots, then give them wings."
10. There's still a lot to learn. My "grown kids" are still growing, and so am I. I haven't graduated yet from the school of hard knocks, but by God's grace I plan to stay enrolled.