The Person Not to Marry

The choice to marry is one of life's biggest decisions. It's not my place to say whether anyone should marry, but after years of working with people I can offer some advice about the kind of person not to marry. Consider these five principles from the book of Proverbs.

1. Don't marry someone you do not fully trust.

Are you confident that your prospective spouse is completely truthful with you? "A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin" (Proverbs 26:28). Do you have a deep, heart-level certainty that he will be faithful to you? Does she keep her promises? Will he stick with you when the going gets tough? "Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble" (25:19). Is your relationship characterized by transparency and openness, or by secretiveness and hidden agendas? "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" (20:6).

2. Don't marry someone you do not deeply respect.

Relationships fall apart when respect erodes and partners begin to view each other with disdain and indifference—when mutual admiration and honor give way to smoldering resentment and disrespect.

Beyond romance and sexual attraction, a prospective husband and wife need to hold one another in high esteem. What causes you to respect your prospective partner? What character qualities do you admire in her? The Bible says "the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33), but wives need respect too. "A kindhearted woman gains respect" so her husband can say, "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all" (Proverbs 11:16; 31:29).

3. Don't marry someone who refuses to work.

Does your prospective spouse have a track record of reasonable responsibility? Has he demonstrated the ability to hold down a job?

The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about slovenly behavior. "A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing" (20:4). The lazy man's property shows the results of his irresponsibility and neglect: it's covered with weeds and the walls are in disrepair (24:30-34). If you don't want to live in that kind of environment, choose a mate who is willing to work and earn a living.

4. Don't marry someone who has no self-discipline. "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control" (25:28).

Does he drink too much? "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise" (20:1). Is she a habitual gossip? Does she spend too much?

Does he control his temper? "A fool is hot-headed and reckless. A quick-tempered man does foolish things" (14:16, 17). Don't assume your prospective partner will change once you're married. No one is perfect, every bride and groom has room to grow, and the Lord can transform sinners into saints. But when you choose a partner for life, be wise and be warned: Past performance is usually the best way to predict future behavior.

5. Don't marry someone who shows no evidence of agape love.

"What a man desires is unfailing love" (19:22), and agape is the noble love described in John 3:16 and 1 Corinthians 13. It's the unselfish, sacrificial, committed, determined, pay-any-price kind of love that motivated the Lord Jesus to lay down his life for us—and that's the kind of love that under-girds a healthy marriage.

"Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred" (15:17). Better a simple home and a modest paycheck enjoyed in an atmosphere of love than three new cars and two big-screen TVs in a fancy house filled with tension and selfishness.

Marriage is an act of faith, but it doesn't have to be blind faith. Clear thinking prior to the wedding can prevent unnecessary pain later. In the words of Benjamin Franklin, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."