The Voice of Experience

I can't talk about divorce from personal experience, either as an adult or as a child. I have been happily married for a quarter of a century, and my parents have been married more than twice as long. So for this week's column, I decided to let others tell how divorce has affected them.

Female, age 28, with divorced parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents: "For most of my life I struggled to trust God, my family, and friends. I find it especially hard to trust men because they have caused so much pain in the lives of the women before me. It is only because of the grace and unchanging love of Christ that I can be happily married. In my family, relationships have always been disposable. My husband and I know that in order to break this painful cycle, the word 'divorce' must be off limits in our relationship."

Female, age 59, divorced after 24 years of marriage: "Divorce affects you and your children for the rest of your lives. Now my adult children have to choose which parent's house to go to on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am sorry about that. After divorce, there is this tremendous sense of failure. Only God could have given me the peace I was seeking. My friends and girlfriends were wonderful to share with, but it's from the grace of God that I received peace."

Female, age 49, divorced after 8 years of marriage: "I never thought I'd be married, but out of fear and insecurity I married late in life. I believed marriage was 'till death do us part,' as the Bible and my parents' loving example had taught me. Though I committed to it with all my heart, it was obvious I had over-ridden God's perfect plan. After eight years of depression, abuse, and infidelity, I agreed to a separation that three years later led to divorce. I still don't think of myself as a divorced person—but rather a person who never should have married. God has made me the person he created me to be by redeeming, healing, and loving me."

Male, divorced 29 years ago after 11 years of marriage: "Neither my wife nor I had a personal relationship with Christ. Added to that, I was a workaholic, driven to be successful in a worldly way. Those wrong priorities cost me dearly. It is a chapter of my life I deeply regret, but it is not the unforgivable sin even though I now know clearly God's views on divorce. God has been good, even when I wasn't seeking after him, and has brought me a long way. My children were seven and nine at the time of the divorce. It was devastating to them and continued to be a source of emotional turmoil through high school and college. I worked very hard at being present in their lives and giving my expressions of love without overuse of material things to fill a void in their lives as so many do. It is sad to look back at all that I missed out on by not being fully present in their lives. Today they are doing well. They both have college educations, their own families, and we are very close. My second wife and I have been married for more than 25 years. We don't have it perfect, but there is a vast difference between this marriage and the first, and that is Jesus. I have told many young couples that if they put Jesus at the center of their lives and at the center of their relationships, they have a good likelihood of growing healthy marriages that will endure the inevitable storms of life. Without Jesus, they have little hope of a long and fulfilling marriage."