Understanding Each Other

Francis of Assisi famously prayed, “O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.”

In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey restated the principle by urging, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Most translations of the Bible don’t use the word empathy (being aware of and sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of others), but no one disputes that this is an important Christian virtue. The Bible tells us to care for one another and to be humble and like-minded, concerned not only about our own interests but also the interests of others (Philippians 2:2-4).

But how can we understand what we never have personally experienced?

My marriage has been intact for 35 years. How can I understand my divorced friends? My wife and I have three grown children—two who were born to us and one who came to us by adoption. How can I empathize with those who never have conceived or adopted a child?

I have experienced neither impressive wealth nor oppressive poverty, so how can I relate to the temptations of the rich or the deprivations of the destitute? I’ve never been imprisoned, so how can I apply the verse that says, “Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering” (Hebrews 13:3)?

I don’t know by personal experience what it’s like to be a woman, a black man, a government leader, a 90-year-old, a professional athlete, or a member of the Millennial generation. My parents were kind to me; how can I comprehend what an abuse victim has endured? I decided to follow Christ at a young age; how can I relate to someone who has never read the Bible or attended a Christian church?

Realizing that empathy is hard work, I want to offer some suggestions.

Polish up your personal paradigms. All of us have a lens through which we view the world, and every day we encounter those who look at life through a very different lens than our own. God calls us to think biblically and act Christianly, but if we don’t keep our own values and convictions sharp, how can we help anyone else?

*Don’t pre-judge; pre-love. *Decide in advance that you will be an ambassador of grace and truth for the Lord’s sake, treating everyone you meet “with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). Even when we don’t see eye-to-eye, we can relate to heart-to-heart.

Talk less; listen more. Ask thoughtful questions and pay careful attention to the answers. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5). It’s amazing how much we can learn when we quit talking and just listen.

*Put yourself in their place. *Can you imagine how it feels to be in someone else’s circumstances? If you can’t walk a mile in their shoes, can you at least try them on for size?

Ask the Lord to help you understand. After all, Christ is the great empathizer. Better than anyone else, he knows the pain of loneliness, the sorrow of grief, the joy of accomplishment, the sting of betrayal, and the power of redemption. The more we have the mind of Christ, the better we will understand each other—and the better we will serve a world that understands far too little about God and his grace.